Emotional Literacy

Human beings are emotional as well as rational. Regardless of the context, we function best when these two parts of our whole are in balance. There is a great deal of research on emotional intelligence and its benefits in all walks of life, including our professional lives. In the world of finance, business, and technology, more and more companies are recognizing that it is not intelligence which creates a competitive advantage but the collective emotional intelligence of their staff: the ability to understand self and others is acknowledged as the new advantage in today’s market.

We live in a global village that must learn to relate and communicate. As educators, we know how to help our students find and develop their intellectual strengths. But how much of our time is devoted to helping students understand themselves, to recognize and enhance the strengths of their emotional intelligence?

I believe the first step to enhancing emotional intelligence is to develop emotional literacy. Schools have done well with the literacy of rational thinking. By the time they graduate, our children speak fluidly about a huge range of topics of the intellect, but ask a young person about his feelings or his relationships or his understanding of himself and watch the fluency dwindle to a halting, embarrassed stutter. The language of our humanity is somewhat lop-sided.

Literacy begins with vocabulary. The next time you do a check-in with a group of kids, ask them how they are feeling and do not allow use of the words good, great, fine, okay, etc. See how they do. We need to be developing emotional vocabulary from a very early age. Parents need to label affective states for infants and toddlers. Identification through observation. “You feel happy.” “She feels worried.” “I feel frightened.”

Next we need to connect the words to feelings through discussion of experiences. “When the dog was lost, I felt worried.” This exercise is not limited to little children. We need to do this with kids throughout their development. It strengthens understanding of the terms when they are little and, as they grow older, it provides insight into how we each respond to events. We need to understand that a situation may create different feelings in different people. How easy and erroneous it is to assume that others are seeing and experiencing things the same way we are.

Thirdly, we need to teach recognition by connecting feelings to body sensations. “Worry makes my stomach jumpy and my hands want to move.” “When you were angry this morning, where in your body did you feel your anger?” The ability to recognize emotions in the body is the first step toward control of emotions in small children. As we grow older, trusting the information our body provides about our emotional responses may help us to avoid the mixed messages we often send when there is a conflict between what we feel and what our mind tells us we should feel. Our bodies do not lie.

When children can recognize and name their own emotions, they can begin to read emotions more accurately in others. We can help by pointing out opportunities to practice. “How do you think it felt for her when that happened?” “When you saw his face, how do you think he was feeling?” The benefits of this ability to read the emotions of others are obvious. It is surprising then, that we assume this skill is inherent and do not provide opportunities for practice beyond a very early age.

Lastly, we can teach and model “I messages” which shift comments away from blaming and shaming and allow for more accurate communication. “I feel nervous when you don’t listen in the gym.” “I feel unappreciated when you complain about the field trip I planned.” Clear I messages are harder for kids to misinterpret as simply, “You’re bad.”

With a little mindfulness and a watchful eye, the everyday events of our days can provide many opportunities to develop emotional literacy without adding another class to the curriculum. Imagine the difference it will make in our families and in our classrooms when we manage to raise a generation who speak easily about their own strengths and weaknesses, about their hopes, about their relationships.

The business world also awaits this generation. In the words of Daniel Goleman:
". . . imagine the benefits for work of being skilled in the basic emotional competencies – being attuned to the feelings of those we deal with, being able to handle disagreements so they do not escalate, having the ability to get into flow states while doing our work. Leadership is not domination, but the art of persuading people to work toward a common goal. And in terms of managing our own career, there may be nothing more essential than recognizing our deepest feelings about what we do – and what changes might make us more truly satisfied with our work."
p. 149 Emotional Intelligence

Monica is the author of "Thanks for chucking that at the wall instead of me."

Problem Solving

“Problem solving” is a term borrowed from Life Space Crisis Intervention. At the Regional Support Centre where I worked, it became our term for talking. Many of our kids came to us with negative mindsets about talking. When we used the word “talk,” most kids heard “lecture,” or “scold,” or “trouble.” When we said it was time to “problem-solve,” the response was different. They soon learned this meant that they would get to tell their side of the story and it would be listened to without judgment. They also learned that they had a pretty good shot at resolving the problem.

I will not attempt to explain the ideas of Dr. Long and Dr. Wood. I wholeheartedly recommend that you learn about Life Space Crisis Intervention for yourself. What I will do is tell you what LSCI means for me.

One of the things I lacked early in my career was an idea of who I needed to be during a student’s crisis. I assumed my job was that of moral thermometer. I felt the kids often lacked clear ideas about right and wrong and I can remember listening to kids tell me stories while I reminded myself to look disapproving. I actually distracted myself from being a good listener, because I thought it was my job to frown or cluck my tongue when the story got to the part about sneaking out the bedroom window or slashing a tire or running away from the police. I thought the kids would interpret a neutral face as condoning their behaviour.

LSCI changed that completely. It requires that I be present with kids when they are upset, help them be calm enough to talk, and listen to their story with no judgment. That is the first phase. After that, I will use questions and clarification to determine the details of the events as clearly as possible. Last, I will determine what the situation calls for, choose a direction to move in, and assist the students to see the meaning behind their actions. Hopefully, the result is learning for the students, about their patterns of behaviour, about how those patterns negatively affect their lives, about how they can work to change them. Sometimes, it takes a lot of problem solving just to help a student see the pattern and then a whole lot more to begin to address it. The point is, LSCI provides a framework to use and a role for the adult to play. Knowing my role in dealing with kids was something more like counsellor, coach, or friend, was far more appealing to me than Dispenser of Justice. When I began to use LSCI, I was amazed to find that once kids had worked through a problem with me and had even been able to see their contribution to the problem, they were far more willing to discuss consequences.

Monica is the author of "Thanks for chucking that at the wall instead of me."