As mentioned in the first part of this discussion, I needed to do some learning to move from my mindset of conflict as detour to conflict as benefit. The first thing I had to learn was that the only person I can control in a conflict situation is myself. Seems a simple concept, doesn’t it?
After dealing with a conflict, I would go over it again in my head—the intellectual process as well as the emotional one—and I soon recognized how much energy I expended trying to control the student’s behaviour and choices. When I finally internalized that I had no control over their part, I was able to relax more, listen better, and ironically, outcomes immediately started to be more positive. I focused on staying present: as I trained myself to stop mapping the route of the discussion and just let it unfold, my instincts became more actively involved.
Next, I learned about conflict styles: passive, assertive, aggressive.
Some of these styles work well together to resolve conflicts – two assertive people will have a positive resolution in no time. However, an aggressive and a passive person will likely have very brief conflicts which appear to be over quickly and easily, but they will have an ongoing pattern of the same types of conflicts over and over in high frequency. This is because the passive person is backing down, apologizing, making it better, and the issue is buried, but not dead.
Because I knew I could be aggressive when not mindful, I practiced very concrete behaviours in conflict situations. For example, because the other participant was usually smaller than me, I would sit or kneel down if possible. Because I had a tendency to point (not good for kids with hair triggers), I sometimes put my hands in my pockets. Because I knew I could get loud, I tried to lower my voice right away.
Incidentally, people in conflict tend to mirror the behaviour of the other person, which means the more mindful participant (read: adult) needs to make sure they do not mirror aggressive behaviours of angry kids and be mindful of what the other participant is seeing in the mirror. (Try this sometime with anyone you find too loud: Talk softly and slowly and watch them relax and talk more quietly.)
Know your style and adjust for it. If you are passive, push yourself forward, if you are aggressive, hold yourself back. Whatever the child’s style, keep it in mind and don’t be detoured by style over content.
Stress is a huge contributor to conflict situations and we all experience stress of different kinds. Developmental stress: birth to death and everything in between! Potty training, training bras, bra burning, burning urination . . . developmental stress is constant in the growing and learning process. Sometimes we forget how much this is contributing to conflicts that arise with kids. Psychological stress: what kids believe about themselves. This is a factor for many kids and how “irrational beliefs” get in their heads can be pretty mystifying but it happens all the time. I had a student tell the class that when he was little, he believed that being sent to his room meant that his mom did not love him anymore. Reality stress: things go wrong in daily life! Here’s where celebrating mistakes and not getting caught up in perfection can relieve stress for kids. Some kids are stressed out by any mistake they make. Physical stress: tired, sick, sore, growing!
Understanding how these impacted me helped me to monitor myself in conflict situations: “Give this a little extra thought – you didn’t get enough sleep last night.” It also gave me a little extra compassion for the student and a bit more help in depersonalizing the aggressive behaviour that was probably not so much about me at all.
Finally, I learned about how the conflict cycle works. I learned what was happening so that I could step outside of it and see it as an entity outside myself. I could say, “Oh, this student is experiencing a stressful incident I am unaware of and their feelings have created a negative behaviour directed at me. I will not respond to the negative behaviour but will use my impressive skills to determine what created the initial stress and address it first, thus de-stressing the child, creating a stronger bond between us and finally, addressing the negative behaviour in a calm, supportive manner.”
Well, maybe it didn’t go exactly like that. Maybe it was more like, “Don’t yell! Find out what’s really going on and then you can punish him later!” Incidentally, by the time we worked through the conflict, I never felt like punishing them. I usually felt more like hugging them. And while they started out on the attack, they were more likely than I to bring up the topic of restitution.
Conflict can be positive. The details of working through the conflict will vary from one helping adult to another. At the Centre, we used a method called Problem-solving. But that’s a topic for another day. Or another post.
If you want to read more about this view of conflict, please check out chapters four and five of Thanks for chucking that at the wall instead of me.
Monica is the author of "Thanks for chucking that at the wall instead of me."
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